Book of Jophil

Edited by CopperFox3c

Downloadable PDF here

Summary: Back a few years ago when I was first learning a lot of red pill (TRP) and manosphere stuff, one of my biggest influences and someone I learned much from was a poster on SoSuave called Jophil.  He was an older gentleman, in his 40’s or 50’s I think, from Australia, who sadly passed away a few years ago.  His messages about dealing with disrespect from women, having boundaries, and holding frame are formative to my approach today … and a lot of the responses I write here are based on his and others golden advice I learned all those years ago.

I’ve assembled some of my favorite passages and writings of his into this “book”, before all of it is lost to the passage of time.  Hopefully, you can take and learn from it as well.

-Copper Fox

Table of Contents

  1. Being a Man with Boundaries
  2. Is she Girlfriend Material?
  3. Disrespect, Walking Away, and the Power of Silence
  4. Commitment-Phobic Girls
  5. You’re Just the Latest Leading Man in the Latest Remake of Her Life Movie
  6. Oneitis and “Closure”
  7. Flaky Women
  8. Flaking – Low Interest or Low Quality Girl?
  9. Feminism and Dating
  10. Dating Women Just out of an LTR
  11. Screening Women … aka “Spinning Plates” Does not Solve All Problems
  12. Frame Control – Be Her Priority
  13. Frame Grabs and How to Respond

 

Some common Jophil Abbreviations

AFC – Average Frustrated Chump
FB – Fuck buddy
FR – Field report
IL – Interest Level
LTR – Long term relationship
SOP – Standard operating procedure

 


Being a Man with Boundaries

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/the-counseling-profession-and-their-mindgames.168190/page-9#post-1640215

    • If you have time, read the entire thread, it’s a lot of gold, with comments from Rollo, Warrior74, Sinistar, and some of the other old legends in the Manosphere.
    • I do not believe that I have a bigger set of “balls” that any of you guys. What I do have is a self-crafted set of rules and guidelines to apply to disrespectful situations with women. And I am willing to use them, sometimes ruthlessly if the situation warrants it. Curiously, as much as I disagree with a lot of STR8up’s stuff, his “walk away” strategy made sense with me after I got past the belief that “walking away” was a kind of surrender, or admission of defeat. I now embrace the power of silence and the power of just walking away from a woman who is acting poorly.

Weekend FR (down here we are about 20 hours ahead of Pacific Time in Nth America).

Short version-

HB has called twice ( Saturday) basically asking ,” Where are we at?” I have evaded the question so far. However I did find myself asking her whether she considered Leanna and Leanne’s ‘advice’ helpful based on the results so far. No answer from HB that made much sense.

Went out Salsa dancing with hot Zana from Macedonia Friday night. This 22 year old has PERFECT light olive skin and front page magazine looks. We laughed and danced for four hours and she told me a zillion times how she “loved this with Jophil – so much fun!”  Talk about rejuvenation of mind, body and spirit – mine, that is. I will see her again in the studio Tuesday night.

Now, a little drama story. I asked a single woman (call her SW) in my social group out last Thursday night – the date in fact was for last night (Saturday) I suggested Thai and maybe some music/dancing later … She jumped at the offer.

Anyway I made a reservation for 7:30pm at a favorite eatery called Bow Thai. ha.

Called SW and said I would collect her at ten minutes before 7pm. I mention that the restaurant table is booked for 7:30 and we need to drive for a half hour or so. So I ring her bell at the agreed time and she opens the door in a towel, hair in rollers and talking on the phone to “suzie” – her best girl. I know Suzie – unfortunately. She is one of those women who are always “in trouble” with unavailable men. Suzie lives in a world of fantasy about married guys, dropkicks and playas.

SW continues to chat to Suzie up and down the hall as I circle the living room looking at the clock.  SW is putting little effort into getting dressed and mostly is involved in gasping at Suzie’s latest drama. I am circling faster and getting irritated. By 7:10pm I heard SW doing bathroom activities but still not at the earrings and makeup stage. We are going to be late- very late.

A switch flipped to OFF inside me. I slowly walked to her front door, opened it and walked to my Lexus in her drive and backed out. I guess that I drove for about five minutes before my phone rang. I ignored it. Two texts followed. Arrived at Bow Thai and ordered my favorite. Two more texts from SW and one VM. Jungle curry tasted great.

I was seated very near a party of about twenty people who were celebrating a quite attractive woman’s 40th birthday. They invited me to join them and the rest of the night was legendary. Got the birthday girl’s # and had a blast.

SW started calling again about 1am -this time with the assistance of a bottle of the Barossa Valleys finest Chardonnay. I’m watching the late movie. She was all “sorry that I held you up but Suzie was a mess … why did you walk out?” She really did not see the serious disrespect in what she did. I just said thank you for the call and hung up.

I expect a call or ten from SW today after she has had time to concoct a defense and somehow shift the blame across to me…

I swear, they do not grow wiser as they grow older.

 

 


Is she Girlfriend Material?

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/girls-behavior-while-single-indication-of-girlfriend-material.180831/#post-1769421

  • People’s behavior tells you what is important to them. In a nutshell, it is in your interests to ONLY ever consider a woman girlfriend material if she shows high IL (interest level), she acts consistently available, she does not demonstrate incongruent behavior, and she has no male bullpen.

People’s behavior tells you what is important to them.

This woman is interested in acquiring and maintaining a male fan club and you are merely one member…probably her latest recruit. Understand this, a few of those other guys are also thinking that she may be relationship material – but they do not have the benefit of being on SoSuave. She sounds like one of those sweet, shy demure type. Butter would not melt …

In a nutshell, it is in your interests to ONLY ever consider a woman G/f material if she shows high IL, she acts consistently available, she does not demonstrate incongruent behavior, and she has no male bullpen. If I were you I would put her in the same place as she has you – a member of your harem.

Does this idea make sense to you – IF you are posting here because you are troubled about a woman’s behavior, she is not suitable to be a contender. Suitable women check all the boxes without effort. If you are bewildered and disturbed about her behavior, then her behavior is not OK.

Don’t make the fatal mistake that chumps make by thinking that she will change her behavior and act like a different person if she were your G/f.

 

 


Disrespect, Walking Away, and the Power of Silence

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/how-to-next-after-she-disrespects-you.126307/page-4#post-1474510

  • This is actually a response to Jophil by another poster, but too much golden wisdom not to share
  • Many women are blind to their own behaviour it seems. Until you point it out in a language they understand. That language is silence. And silent withdrawal of the one thing they thrive on: affection … Just walk away. It’s the loudest way to say: F*ck you, childish creature, without actually saying it.

I too believe it is best to just walk away and not to vent, but sometimes this is very difficult. I think mostly when you have invested in a person already. I’m just as guilty of biting the bait when I rather shouldn’t have. I’ll relate to you an experience of mine.

I once had feelings for a girl. Oneitis, what else? Long story short, when we came to heads about it and certain other issues that had happened, she got really nasty and disrespectful. My first instinct was to rub it in and spell it out to her. Mind you, this was all over e-mail (I know, I know). Fortunately, I had a good Samaritan in my life who insisted: Don’t do it. The b*tch is crazy, honestly. Cut all contact. Not one word. Let her wonder about it. Let her figure it out. Let it nibble her mind. Don’t give her the satisfaction of your anger.

Of course, smitten as I was with my oneitis, I couldn’t let it rest. After some months I got back to her to make amends. The first thing she said to my writing I bet you thought you’d never hear from me again was: I have been wondering if I was going to hear from you. I had been wondering if I had hurt you, or upset you, or… Had I just let her be for the rest of her life, she would have continued wondering what she did wrong.

If instead I had not had this good Samaritan to counsel me, and had I lashed out at her in rebuke, she would never have gone into that phase. Had I lashed out at her, she would have found her crappy behaviour justified, because she’d think: Look how he’s treating me now!

Many women are blind to their own behaviour it seems. It’s a sort of Recursive Principle: they will find a justification for their earlier behaviour in the rebuke you give them about it afterwards. Because their ego’s get hurt by your reprimand. And many women cannot see past their ego’s. It’s an emotional thing, after all, not something rational. If a man were to show such behaviour, we call him childish and inmature. Especially women would. But for a woman, it’s alright to do this somehow.

They are blind to their own behaviour. Until you point it out in a language they understand. That language is silence. And silent withdrawal of the one thing they thrive on: affection. Was it Jophil who said it once? Silent withdrawal of affection. STR8UP said it too when he spoke of denying them your attention. All that means: Just walk away.

Back to my oneitis. Later on I got into a pissing contest with her after all, the fool that I was. Then, I did rub it in with her. I told her flat out what I thought of her crappy, disrespectful behaviour. It ended then and there of course. By her doing. She had found every justification in cutting contact with me in my accusing her of treating me badly, because to her this wasn’t true.

I rest my case.

Some say that just walking away makes women believe you’re afraid or too childish to confront the situation. You know what? Confrontation is a female thing! They want you to do that! Because they feel justified in their every behaviour, they want to hear what you think they did wrong so they can defend themselves. If you confront and speak your mind towards significant disrespect, they win. Because in their mind they’ll twist it like it’s your fault. It’s all mere manipulation. Walking away equals staying immune to that.

If you walk away, you deny them the satisfaction. You deny them their tactics. You deny them their (subconscious) game. Trust me, it’s far, far better to be the one who just walks away. If you walk away, you show what you think of her and her behaviour without the possibility of reprieve or allowing her to shift the blame to you. Because in your rebuke, they’ll always find a reason to justify their sub-par behaviour. In the minds of a lot of women, they’re always right.

If you walk away, you’re the bigger person. You leave them to their own whining and scheming and devices. Nothing is more frustrating to any person than to be denied a chance to defend and justify themselves. Walking away is the most powerful thing you can do. Yes, it is also the most difficult thing to do, especially if you were hurt and frustrated. Nobody said being a man is an easy job, eh? It is a difficult and demanding role that men are expected to play. Thankfully, not all women are like this. Let’s not forget that.

Trust me, walking away will make you feel much better eventually than if you allowed yourself to let loose. With giving a piece of mind, there’s the immediate satisfaction of venting frustration. But because doing so provides the opportunity to twist your words into something they weren’t, regret follows later. With walking away, regret comes first because you denied yourself something. Satisfaction comes later because you were the bigger person. Your frustration will subside eventually. Such is the lot of men: to bear the heavier burden.

Just walk away. It’s the loudest way to say: F*ck you, childish creature, without actually saying it. And because you said nothing, there is nothing to respond to. Nothing to twist or pervert. As for what they would or wouldn’t think of you: you shouldn’t care less.

 

 


Commitment-Phobic Girls

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/i-must-stay-clear-of-her-shes-poison.132366/#post-1252675

  • There are women out there who “talk” commitment but continuously sabotage their intimate relationships when it DEMANDS something of them. I do not call it commitment phobic as such it is more than that. These women are so damaged that they are unfit for an adult relationship. They “compartmentalize” their relationships with everyone. These women want, and expect, all the fun and rewards of a relationship with a man BUT they are NEVER willing to contribute anything in return. They want the involvement from a man. but they want to live the single life and DO AS THEY PLEASE.

NOt so LMS – there are women out there who “talk” commitment but continuously sabotage their intimate relationships when it DEMANDS something of them. I do not call it commitment phobic as such it is more than that.

These women are so damaged that they are unfit for an adult relationship. They “compartmentalize” their relationships with everyone. They do not integrate “their man” with their friends or their family. Everyone is kept in a little separate box, and she runs from one box to the other attending to the inhabitants.  I have heard one of these women say that this gives her a feeling of control… unfortunately this behavior f**ks up relationships with men

KC – I do know what you mean about “her not wanting to pay”. These women want, and expect, all the fun and rewards of a relationship with a man BUT they are NEVER willing to contribute anything in return. They want the involvement from a man but they want to live the single life and DO AS THEY PLEASE.

These women are also manipulators and can be promiscuous and cheaters. They use sex as a “hook” to capture a guy BUT when he wants her to be “in a couple” she pulls away and calls him possessive or demanding or … blah blah!  Deep down these women are playing this game – “I like you, come here – now that I have you I do not like you for being stupid enough to like me.”

Bad, bad candidates IMO.

 

 


You’re Just the Latest Leading Man in the Latest Remake of Her Life Movie

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/she-needs-space-where-did-it-go-wrong.180277/#post-1762700

  • Sandow, I believe that we men need to go thought at least one of these experiences with an uber hottie to realize how fragile and superficial they are. They have been worshipped and fawned over their whole lives because of their looks and sexual desirability. That becomes their intrinsic value. Their existence comprises a series of ‘buzz experiences’, one after the other, with men who treat them like the glittering prizes that they believe that they are.  You are the latest leading man in the latest remake of her life movie.

Sandow, I believe that we men need to go thought at least one of these experiences with an uber hottie to realize how fragile and superficial they are. They have been worshipped and fawned over their whole lives because of their looks and sexual desirability. That becomes their intrinsic value.  Their existence comprises a series of ‘buzz experiences’, one after the other, with men who treat them like the glittering prizes that they believe that they are.  You are the latest leading man in the latest remake of her life movie.

Make no mistake they know how to draw you in with generosity, cute gifts, gushing sweetness and eager sex. It is beyond any previous experience, isn’t it? You were living a reality that felt like a fabulous fantasy, right? And you assumed that she felt the same and wanted it to continue as much as you did.

But, to her it is just the same movie all over again.

When the buzz starts to wear off for her, she starts to create drama at about the 6-8 week mark. Hot and cold… pushes you away… spends time with others but expects you to spin your wheels in the background. That is another of her favorite ways to kick start some more of her brain chemicals and at the same time scan the landscape for her next ‘adventure’. At this stage, the game is summed up as “Go away until I want you back.”

You and she are somewhere in this phase.

Do you really want her back knowing that this is how she operates?  Believe me this is her SOP.

IF you really MUST try to get her back, the only way is to revert to being the guy whom she first met. Frankly I would question the wisdom of wanting someone back who had such little commitment to what you built together. She does not value the relationship with you, she values the thrill of having an emotion riddled fling above all.

 

 


Oneitis and “Closure”

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/anyone-go-back-to-gf-after-long-nc.179677/#post-1756668

  • The hardest thing to accept sometimes is that your ‘feelings’ may never be entirely resolved and there may always be a lingering desire inside you to see her again and sleep with her one more time.

Human nature is like that.

Your feelings of longing and yearning for someone who was an ‘investment’ are quite understandable. Acting on them by contacting her is certainly not in your best interests. If she has dumped you once she will most likely do it again after she got what she wanted. She contacted you because she was lonely and you were her best bet to get a ‘supply’ of attention. You were “sure thing guy”, or so she thought until you did not reply.

The hardest thing to accept sometimes is that your ‘feelings’ may never be entirely resolved and there may always be a lingering desire inside you to see her again and sleep with her one more time.

Life is not cut and dried and neat. Often we have to learn to live with unfinished business or untidiness in our emotional life. “Closure” is a comforting myth and a hoax, mostly.

However there is a very good chance that your ‘feelings’ for her will subside into the background when you meet someone who attracts you as much, or more than your ex did.

In the meantime, live your life like the resilient man that you are. That is your mission.

Carry on, soldier.

 

 


Flaky Women

[Part 1]  …  [Part 2]  …  [Part 3]

  • Women who flake (without a credible apology PLUS a counter offer) are of the mindset that holds this belief: “I am a woman and that entitles me to act in any way I please. I have that golden pvssy that all men want and that gives me the power, and a license, to do whatever I want whenever I want without being held accountable.” The best method to counter this crap is to act as if her behavior is IRELLEVANT to you. Do not call her on it, or get angry. Do not email, text or call her for an explanation. Act as if she does not exist and move on QUICKLY. Remember this – if you ever confront a flakey woman on her bad behavior, she will immediately shift blame in her mind onto you for making her feel “bad” by calling her on it.

I have a different take on some of this too – Firstly women’s INTEREST in you does not follow the same graph as yours does in her. As David D says, her IL in YOU slowly rises up like a volume knob on one of those old radios. YOU need to be the one in charge of turning the dial up. This NEVER goes all the way up on the first meeting (and you do not want it to).  Therefore, her IL will not be at its highest first up. Secondly IL can rise and fall and drop like a stone in the few days after she first meets you – perhaps her insecurities kick in or she analyses you with her g/fs and they sabotage you by remote control because they do not have a date – pure envy. Women are like this.

Women go over every minute detail of that first meeting with you. You have been and will be discussed and dissected. It does not take much doubt to creep in and WHAM – she flakes.

I have also found this to be true. The more DOMINANT you are in setting up the details of the date, the higher the chance of her turning up.

I have set up dates in a wishy washy way, and expected her IL from the first meeting to carry her thru and a lot of the time she will flake. That initial IL is a bad source of energy. She has NO real emotional investment in you YET to protect. You need to be firm, clear, and dominant in how you set it up. Do NOT leave her any wriggle room. Women prefer structured dates which are designed and set up by YOU. Why? Because that way they feel sure that YOU are going to show up too. If you leave any of the important details open ended you will get high flake levels.

You’re being an open honest person will pay dividends but usually only with other equally honest people. Most are people are not. What women say is usually not a good indicator of their future actions. Women are approval seekers, attention grabbers and risk avoiders. They say things to satisfy any of the requirements of these traits.

High IL is only one factor at work in determining whether a woman will follow through on her words. Even then her APPARENT high IL is never ‘money in the bank’ UNTIL you have an established relationship with her. Touchy feely gestures by women on the initial connection are “feel good” moments which mean little if the woman’s subsequent behavior is incongruent.

Most of us do not have movie star looks or sports hero status so we cannot rely on the “hook” that famous people have. We need to work with what we have and that means that we need to work smarter and not invest time and energy into unstable women. I have had women who have shown high IL and then flaked two days later. Why? Who cares why. Unless she had a credible explanation and offered to make it up to me then she just disqualified herself as a contender.

In the wash up we need to remember that women are anxiety ridden, doubt filled, insecure, and mistrusting of men. They also appear to not have an ethical code as we men understand that concept. They prefer to make up the ‘rules’ as they go along and like to believe that wrongdoing is confined to men’s behavior toward women. The illusion of ‘entitlement’ that pervades womanhood today just make this so much worse.

Women who flake (without a credible apology PLUS a counter offer) are of the mindset that holds this belief: “I am a woman and that entitles me to act in any way I please. I have that golden pvssy that all men want and that gives me the power, and a license, to do whatever I want whenever I want without being held accountable.”

The best method to counter this crap is to act as if her behavior is IRELLEVANT to you. Do not call her on it, or get angry. Do not email, text or call her for an explanation. Act as if she does not exist and move on QUICKLY. Remember this – if you ever confront a flakey woman on her bad behavior, she will immediately shift blame in her mind onto you for making her feel “bad” by calling her on it.

 

 


Flaking – Low Interest or Low Quality Girl?

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/when-in-doubt-do-nothing.134007/page-2#post-1271768

  • The assumption on this board is that women mindfvck you or flake because of their low IL. I believe that this assumption is more a projection on our part rather that a legitimate explanation… My own experience is that women’s bad behavior is habitual rather than circumstantial. In other words, a flakey woman is doing “her thing”. I grant you that she is more LIKELY to flake if her IL is low but it is a contributing factor rather that a clear cause. Low IL motivates a badly behaved woman to act worse. It does NOT cause a good woman to act badly. “Flaking” goes to low character or her habitual MO, rather than a clear indicator of her IL in you.

The assumption on this board is that women mindfvck you or flake because of their low IL. I believe that this assumption is more a projection on our part rather that a legitimate explanation… WE men would perhaps be more likely to treat a woman with contempt for her time if our IL in her was low. Therefore our conclusion is that SHE must have low IL in us if she flakes. Pure projection, fellas. My own experience is that women’s bad behavior is habitual rather than circumstantial. In other words, a flakey woman is doing “her thing”.

I grant you that she is more LIKELY to flake if her IL is low but it is a contributing factor rather that a clear cause. Low IL motivates a badly behaved woman to act worse. It does NOT cause a good woman to act badly. “Flaking” goes to low character or her habitual MO, rather than a clear indicator of her IL in you.
A “good” woman (suitable for an LTR) will not flake without a fair dinkum reason (that means ‘legitimate’ in Australia) and will always give you an apology or a counter offer. A bad woman will flake to get the illusion of power and control for herself and will leave you dangling in confusion. It is what she does.

Why does she do this? Because she CAN – she has gotten away with this behavior in the past, perhaps because AFCs have not bothered to speak up and roast her and have just walked away in hurt silence.

I am NOT suggesting that a man get crazy angry if he is the victim of one of these mindfvckers. I am saying that he needs to coldly tell her (when she in within range LATER) that her flaking was appalling and that she has blown her chance with him. THEN walk away permanently. The timing of this is very much a question of the circumstances in each case.

 

 


Feminism and Dating

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/how-feminism-ruined-dating.181649/page-3#post-1787875

  • No, it has not always been like this.

However I am as old as ATOM and everything he mentioned is true – every syllable. Every guy under 35 or so only has one frame of reference and that is the one he was raised and educated in… the current feminized one designed and implemented by the toxic Left…  Atom and I have experienced and lived through a totally different frame to the one that raised and indoctrinated GenY and most of GenX.

When I went to elementary school there were no female principals. Women teachers taught English, and perhaps History and Home EC.

A man in uniform was respected and even admired.
Women rarely held positions of power or authority
I never saw a lady cop until I was over 25.
Men made all the significant decisions and women (mostly) complied.

And women behaved differently – very differently. They did not behave like they do today, and women were not, “always like that”.

 

 


Dating Women Just out of an LTR

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/does-anyone-just-get-tired-of-the-games.124601/#post-1169167

  • When a woman breaks up, she tends to quickly retreat into the safety of her relationships with her children, sisters, girlfriends, mother, work pals and so on. Women do not tend to seek a replacement MAN in the same way that we go hunting for a replacement woman. Women typically enter an ego restoration phase in which they hide from men initially and then seek shallow dating experiences which are used to give them EGO REPAIR, superficial play and fun which affirm that they still are marketable – “they still GOT it”. This period is a danger zone for men in your position. Beware!! You will get some initial hot sex (it makes HER feel desirable) and then you will start to get the flaky behavior and the ‘to and fro’ games and all the BS that only emotional unstable women can create.

Okay, I am a veteran survivor of several (many) breakups with whack jobs, conniving bitches, loonie tune dames and other assorted screwballs and I will give you the short version of my experience. These comments apply in a broad way. Human behavior is so diverse that it is impossible to be precise sometimes, but I will give this a shot anyway.

When a man breaks up with an LTR, he tends to go back out there looking for a “replacement ” in a similar way the you would cruise the “Magic Mile of Motors”, looking for another car after you totaled the old one. It feels natural to us to seek another G/f to occupy the vacancy left by the absence of the previous ‘lady’. We do the rounds of the pubs and clubs and are in ‘hunt mode’. So far so good. However at your age (and more so at mine) you are likely to be seeking a woman of a similar age and that is where the drama begins. A 30 -40 something woman comes with ‘history and baggage’, kids, and divorce, etc.

When a woman breaks up, she tends to quickly retreat into the safety of her relationships with her children, sisters, girlfriends, mother, work pals and so on. Women do not tend to seek a replacement MAN in the same way that we go hunting for a replacement woman. Women typically enter an ego restoration phase in which they hide from men initially and then seek shallow dating experiences which are used to give them EGO REPAIR, superficial play and fun which affirm that they still are marketable – “they still GOT it”. This period is a danger zone for men in your position. You are vulnerable and bruised from all the drama from your last LTR and, lo and behold, you are unaware that the next few babes that you are meeting are recently separated, divorced, ego rebuilding manipulators who are using you to make THEM feel better. You may find yourself drawn to such a woman because you share similar recent history. Both just out of a LTR.

Beware!! These women are the MOST UNFIT to be in your life right now. You are their fun guy, their entertainment and the last thing that she wants to do is truly give of herself. You will get some initial hot sex (it makes HER feel desirable) and then you will start to get the flaky behavior and the ‘to and fro’ games and all the BS that only emotional unstable women can create. She wants you in her life as a combination walking dildo and VP in charge of Entertainment. That means entertaining HER!! These women are what my buddy and I call “Category 1” women. The short definition is this – women who are still married/recently separated/ recently divorced or out of an LTR for less than a year. Approach at your peril!!

There are a few women out there who do deserve your time, devotion and your attachment. This type is NOT one of them …

 

 


Screening Women … aka “Spinning Plates” Does not Solve All Problems

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/how-not-to-fall.165886/#post-1617018

  • “Spinning other plates” is limited in its effectiveness. It MIGHT save you from getting oneitis for a low quality woman, but it won’t help much if you are actively seeking a good woman for an LTR.
  • Response from Mr. Me: I’d also look at why you’re getting hurt… you’re either pushing the woman (since you develop feelings so quickly) and she gets turned off and dumps you, and you get hurt, or you’re getting involved with the wrong women: Women who aren’t that interested and/or are using you or have a less then loving disposition or have issues or major character flaws. But when you’re getting hurt, it does mean you’re doing something wrong.

“Spinning other plates” is limited in its effectiveness. It MIGHT save you from getting oneitis for a low quality woman, but it won’t help much if you are actively seeking a good woman for an LTR.

There is nothing wrong with falling in love. There is something VERY wrong when you fall in love with a woman who does not deserve your devotion.

Being “deserving” implies that you have consciously qualified her over time and she has passed your tests and meets your standards and expectations. That process is one which is YOUR responsibility to design and implement by being aware of what you want in a woman and what characteristics or behaviors would disqualify her.

Further, you need to have a firm deal with yourself that IF she should violate any of your rules or expectations, then you will either walk away or demote her to FB status. If you have developed ‘feelings’ for her, the latter option is probably impossible.

 

 


Frame Control – Be Her Priority

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/girlfriend-is-out-of-town-blew-me-off.155687/#post-1518311

  • Her actions tell you that being with YOU are not her #1 priority any more … she assumes that you are “in the bag”. She is solidly in control of the frame here. Women who are truly in love with a man do not offer to see him when all her other party commitments were out of the way.

Her actions tell you that being with YOU are not her #1 priority any more … she assumes that you are “in the bag”. It is called taking you for granted. Low interest, no challenge, no competition anxiety in her anymore. You are like that old computer game that she has all figured out.

Now she has the arrogance to give you Sunday when she finally finishes partying with her G/f and who knows who else. She is planning to placate you by “offering to spend the entire day of Sunday with you.” Wow! Lucky you!

I would NOT see her Sunday because you have “made other plans.” She is solidly in control of the frame here. Women who are truly in love with a man do not “offer” to see him when all her other party commitments were out of the way.

You have a serious problem dude. IF I were you I would ask another woman out Sunday, and tell your G/f that you and she need to “take a break” then let her work her way back in to your good graces. If she does not want to do that you have your answer.

Be as cool as you can be even if you are raging mad inside.

 

 


Frame Grabs and How to Respond

[Part 1]  … [Part 2]

  • This is a power grab by her in which she is trying to set up control of the velocity and direction. The fact that she is already trying to take charge is not a good sign. She is declaring her own favorite tactic – power and control. A less aware man would just go along with this and conclude that she is just a little gun-shy. Don’t fall into that thinking – she is trying to set the frame. The way to weaken, or dismantle this tactic is to just shrug and ignore her resistance or walk away.

SOP requires you to pull back from a woman who is manipulating you with “take it slow” talk.

This is a power grab by her in which she is trying to set up control of the velocity and direction. The fact that she is already trying to take charge is not a good sign. She is declaring her own favorite tactic- power and control. A less aware man would just go along with this and conclude that she is just a little gunshy. Don’t fall into that thinking – she is trying to set the frame.

I had a girl once who pulled this stunt.

She: “We are going too fast.”
Jophil: “How fast is that ?”
She: “200 miles and hour.”
Jophil: “Oh, how fast do you want to go?”
She: “Ummm, about 50 mph”
Jophil: “I have a better idea.”
She: “Huh, what ?”
Jophil: “How about we slow this down to a dead stop so I can get off.”
She then fumbles stumbles over words or backtracks when she realizes that you just took charge and are not willing to play her head games.

It always has an element of control in it. Perhaps not malevolent control, but control nonetheless. She is slamming on the brake. Women do this because they believe that they control relationships with men and are somehow entitled to be “in charge”.

The way to weaken, or dismantle this tactic is to just shrug and ignore her resistance or walk away. If her IL is high enough she will pursue you. NEVER try to “talk about it “. That sends her the message that she has you wriggling on her hook and that you are willing to negotiate.